An oldie but...

This is an oldie (not that old, btw) but it still applies.

In exactly one month I turn 40.
Forty.
Four-tee.

A friend from high school had a book published and a reviewer described him as being middle-aged. Middle-what??? That was my first 'blow to the stomach' moment with this looming birthday.

I'm very conflicted with this. I look at my peers who are 40 and frankly, think they look great. Not what I envisioned 40 to look like when I was 20. But then I realize that if I were to ask some 20 year olds today about those peers, they'd say something different. It truly is all about perspective. I think I look okay; not Jennifer Aniston 40 but not Bea Arthur (when she was 40) either. But it's much more than about how I look because if I put some more effort (and possibly money) into it, I can change that. It's about the sand in the hour glass.

I have to accept that there are things that I said I was going to do that I did not do; some of them I really planned on doing and some of them I only daydreamed of doing. The fact that I no longer have the option is what I'm mourning. Some things I probably lost the option with a long time ago (like that Olympic medal) but this big birthday makes me face it. I think the problem is when you're little, you dream of what you're going to do when you grow up; heck, people ask you about it, on a weekly basis, so you think about it, a lot. But while you're in your twenties, nobody ever says, "what do you want to be when you become middle aged?" so you don't think about it. And then, it's here. And I'm not ready.

I think I need some serious beach time to contemplate this next chapter.

Ugh. "Middle-aged"?

Old?! I am not!

I watched the movie, 17 Again, about a 40-something man who magically gets transformed back to the age of 17.  There's a scene where the younger version of the character (Zac Effron) looks at his body in amazement and exclaims how great he feels.  I had never consciously noticed not feeling good anymore, but when I started thinking about it, that's probably a fair assessment.  When did that happen?  Then the next day, I went to yoga and there were poses I used to do in high school every day before practice without a second thought but when I attempted the pose two days ago, my body said, "uh, old lady, you haven't done this in 20 years, are you kidding me?"  How fitting that I have a birthday coming up. I'm kind of past being depressed about the actual number changing, I'm really more sad about the time I have left running out.  I read somewhere about the possibility of humans living (healthily) to 140.  One hundred more years!  I would have no excuses not to do everything I want to do!  I think I could still do most things I want now but I find myself dismissing doing them on account of  "I'm too old."  I'm too old to start a business, I'm too old to make a career change, I'm too old to learn a new language, I'm too old to have a baby, and the list goes on.  Then I ask myself, "When did I become old?" because, truthfully, I don't think of myself as old.  Maybe I'm not really too old, but damn, I am too tired.  Since the big day is fast approaching, I can say with certainty that this isn't the last entry about the subject.